Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
