I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I think im going to throw up on grandma
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
