if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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