I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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