Sry I called you an 8
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
