It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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