i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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