Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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