this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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