I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
