the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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