Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
