Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
