dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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