You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize