Four minutes until I can fart!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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