I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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