Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
