I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
