listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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