FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
so much tequila, so little girl.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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