For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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