the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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