Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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