Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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