an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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