I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
