And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
