i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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