can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
