Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
