White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
