Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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