Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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