i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
