drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
