Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
