I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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