It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
