what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Randomize
