so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
