..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
