sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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