my phone needs a breathalizer
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
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