hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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