You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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