Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
