pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
