after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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