Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
