$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
