I think my fart just growled at me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
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They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
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Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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