I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
