just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
