Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
