i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
