I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
