I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
