if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
