Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
