I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
