You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
