he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
